Interview With Tom Cruise

G: Hi Tom, How are you?

TC: I'm good. I'm really good. Wonderful in fact.

G: Great to hear. So let's get started. Coming off of two lackluster performances at the box office, next you are stepping up with a solid franchise sequel to Mission Impossible. Is that a strategic plan to recoup some lost faith in your brand or just the way your projects fell in order?

TC: I blame the failure of Knight and Day on Cameron Diaz entirely. I honestly believe that if she cleared her face of the atrocious acne, we would have been much more well received by audiences here in the states.That being said, I think she does really well in movies like Shrek and Shrek 2, and well anything that doesn't show her face is a hit. I love her work. Love it.

G: Um... Do you want to answer the question or should I move on?

TC: Hey, this is your show baby, ha ha. I am here for the ride. Vroooooom Vroom! Yeah!

G: So was your choice to bring back Mission Impossible a planned mo...

TC: You know what clears up acne? Dianetics. I gave Cameron a copy and she seemed to like it but I found it in the trash a few hours later. I don't understand some people, I mean she needs this badly. I help because I have a responsibility to the people of this planet. I also have a wife.

G: Yes, Katie Holmes. I was going to get to your family life but let us go there now. How do you juggle...

TC: Travolta taught me how to juggle almost twenty years ago. Can you believe I have been acting that long? No you can't, I see you are in shock at that statement.

G: No It's not that It's...What are you doing?

TC: I am gonna show you my abs. Like that sex...I mean sad boy from MTV. He's the situation right? Wait for this.

G: ...

TC: The Scientologiation. These are intergalactic abs baby! You could bounce a taco off these bad boys; a soft taco even. I love being married.

G: Let's switch gears again and quickly if you don't mind?

TC: Fire me a torpedo. I'll catch it with my butt cheeks until it fizzles out. Rock hard baby!

G: Is Katie becoming a full time Scientology practitioner? And if so, how is it helping to keep your marriage and parenting in check?

TC: We don't write checks anymore, it's all digital these days. I never even see any actual money. Everything is paid for and through the processes of Scientology Katie had a beautiful daughter for us to share.

G: That didn't exactly answer my question but if I may pick a point here. Don't you mean through the magic of child birth brought forth through your love, your daughter was born?

TC: Yeah, I love them dearly. My daughter was placed in Katie's womb by the spirit of L. Ron himself. I wasn't necessary in making her.

G: Okay Mr. Cruise, I think we will end it right there. Thanks for coming in I guess.

TC: Yeah, YEAH man. I'm glad to say things to people. It's my job. I've got some riding to do on my Harley, so take care.

G: Yeah...Don't lose your head out there.

Dear Jersey Shore Fans

Just to be clear; this is about the television show that I've never seen, not the tourist destination.

The cast of the Jersey Shore...before MTV

I am coming at this particular show with no solid facts whatsoever except for three things, as follows:

 1. There is a chubby, not so attractive and very tanned young lady named "Snooki".

 2. There is a extremely in shape and handsome, but very stupid young man named "The Situation".

 3. Some girl pissed behind a bar in an advertisement for an episode once.

" The Situation"

That is my "Jersey Shore", (hereafter JS for the most part, so I don't have to keep putting up quotes), knowledge, as far as I can honestly remember. I've seen the different characters of the show in commercials and special appearances and I am aware that there is a group of six or seven that the series rotates around. I've seen a large fellow in commercials for some healthy smealthy weight lifting product and The Situation bombed fiercely roasting someone that I can't remember on Comedy Central. I will say this; I've picked up what I think could be facts about the JS in conversations and scanning over entertainment news. I just know 100% that the three things up there are true.

He really likes his belt buckle

What I would like to know is what it is that these people actually do that draws so many viewers? Are they rich? Are they humorous people or so stupid that their actions are humorous? Are there any good looking girls on the show? What the hell does Snooki mean? Are they ever sober?

So many questions that I really think about when I hear about the new season or a cast member is appearing on a talk show, but I can not shake the thought that permeates my underdeveloped noodle brain, that they are all drunken idiots. I honestly hate Snookie and Situation for no reason other than the fact that it feels right. Like I'm supposed to be put off by there mere mention. I don't know if I'm off base or home running here, but stick with me through one more point.

Snooki. Snooki looks like Artie Lange with a wig. Snooki looks like a bridge troll. Snooki is so freaking plain to me! But I KNOW for certain that she has a male following and that they all want to sex her up and see the latest pics of her and  that they dream about her while they practice their Harry Potter petrify spells on their meat wands. This validates my thinking that if someone is put in your face often enough and you are told that they are a celebrity, that it somehow changes the chemical balance in your head and you start to think that ugly or uglier people are pretty. Since I have not been inundated with Snooki waves like a lot of people my age, I don't think she is worth the thought of being a young sex symbol, but clearly I am in a minority on the subject. To prove this just a little bit more think about, Nicole Richie, Sarah Jessica Parker, then two Jonas brothers that aren't Joe. Hideousness!

Giving any woman a chance to be a sex symbol

I want to know if people love this show for the content or because it was on MTV and supposed to be loved? It's a vicious circle I'll never get any solid answers from. Oh well that's all I've got on the subject unless they do something really remarkable and I write about them again. I've got to go any way because I've got a Situation brewing and I need to go take a Snooki.

Gizeroon
Facebook.com/gizeroon