Dear Dancing With The Stars

DWTS: Best in Show!

You guys aren't surprising me at all. I should be surprised by this kind of behavior but with Hollywood you just don't get surprised anymore. I just wonder if Chaz Bono knew that you were going to parade him around like a prized Westminster Dog going for best in show. I know that Chaz would know, that his presence would be a coup for your show and that you would be shoving the fact that he was on there, in everyone's face at all times, but you guys are acting like you think he is a freak on a leash. Ahem.

A REAL freak. He needs some kind of change.

Some WOULD call Chaz a freak anyway as a major celebrity child switching their gender completely from female to male and then touring television and circuits of the like, to talk about his story. Chaz is by no means innocent of pushing to get his face out there but do you guys have to do it too? Or perhaps Chaz knew all along and he insists that he be portrayed this way. I wouldn't be surprised by that either; he is a child of the same Hollywood mentality.


No matter the reason really. I feel sorry for him. The him inside. Being paraded around even at your own request still has to sting a little deep down. Seeing the commercial advertisements say "and wait to you see what is in store". What? Really? It is sad to me even if Chaz is fine with it. To me, and I could be wrong here, this is a private decision to rearrange your privates and your life in such a way. But again we come back to Hollywood and their need for ratings and that all adds up to money and keep in mind that money is being thrown around hard because of this. Chaz is making a mint but will it be satisfying that he didn't just settle into a new life and give an interview ten years from now after he is settled into his new masculine lifestyle.

The bouquet of lovely green flowers left in Chaz's dressing room everyday

I would like to say that, in my opinion, if a woman feels like she is a man or a man feels like they are a woman, then by all means change if you can do it. Life is too short to be something you clearly are not because of other people. I just am kind of sad and mad to see it being played out as a publicity stunt that someone has attached a dong to themselves. I will be watching though, just to see if Chaz pops a Bono on stage.

Gizeroon
facebook.com/gizeroon

Dear Marc Anthony

Que Paso, ya big Latin ho-bag! How is it hanging? To be more to the point, where are you NOT hanging it?

HIS HAT!!! People get your mind out of the gutters.

It seems that you've been called out as the driving force behind not only your divorce to Jennifer Lopez, but of Will Smith's and Jada Pinkett's also. This is what I heard and stop me if I get anything out of place, OK? OK.

Does this look like a good reason to cheat on your husband?

Scuttlebutt says you were found by Will Smith himself, at his home alone with Jada in a non "friend" kind of way. Will supposedly ran out crying leaving you two alone again. I'm not sure the date of this but your affection for "Miss. Purty" is what J-Lo left your ugly ass for. That wiener must be magical boy! Really it's no surprise that a male acts this way. Even if your dipping in the finest piece ever, you still will get tired off it and want the next piece, not that Jennifer Lopez is the finest piece ever by the way, just making a point. Will Smith is probably just emotional because he thought you were into him.

Maybe Jeff will take him back. Why those two never stuck together is beyond me.

To be fair your alleged statement is that you were over to either borrow or watch a DVD. Which makes you seem retarded. "I'm going to watch a DVD with a married woman" is code for "bang her". Everybody knows that. If it by some miracle was on the level and you did want to watch a DVD, don't you have money. Go buy the goddamn thing yourself and stay out of OPP! Stimulate the economy and not tiny little women's privies! or why didn't you two watch it on the set of the show you both work on and where your coworkers are allegedly claiming that Jada was demanding extra love scenes with your character? But it all seems innocent though because coworkers never fall for each other and screw, do they?

I don't have the slightest friggin' clue if any of this is true but a rumor always has a kernel of truth in it, every time. Where there's smoke and all that, you know. I hope it is. It makes good conversation and drama. Better than any movie any of you have been in except the first Men In Black.

Whatever or whoever you end up with keep that "perrito caliente" in one place. You're lucky anybody sleeps with you with that mug. 

Jesus Christ Marc! Zip it!

Gizeroon
facebook.com/gizeroon

Dear Go Topless Day Activists

Original Story

Another fine "Go Topless Day" has come and gone and I don't know if we are better or worse for it. Just what really is the point? In America, you are a long way from getting a cross country lift on women being able to go without tops anywhere men can. I completely see what message you want to convey, I believe, but you must seriously know the whys and why nots to your protest of choice. You can't be that in the dark; this leads me to believe that there are other motivating factors. After a little digging,  I find that there are most certainly very weird motivating factors behind this  so-called "topless day".

This kind of weird...oh boy.

You guys are Raelians. We remember you, albeit barely. The alien cult from France that has spread to many other countries in recent years. You guys claimed to have cloned the first human being named Eve, but never gave proof. You believe that we are scientific experiments by alien "gods" and that we are to be preparing ourselves with a peaceful mind for their coming back and receiving us. You guys are just hippies that are fifty years behind is all.

But back to the topless day thing that I started with. The link I posted along with this blog states that men and women both have nipples, why should women hide theirs?I am glad you asked freaks, here's why. If a women walks down the street with her breasts sticking out, flopping, bouncing, or tucked into her belt, men are going to drop everything they are doing to look and they won't look at anything else until she leaves or the next topless woman comes by thus restarting the booby ogling process. Bare naked women pretty much make heterosexual men ineffective at life. The article also stated that women not being able to go topless is the same as having black and white drinking fountains which I find ridiculous and highly offensive, but I guess you Raelians can be forgiven based on the fact that you are big hairy nut-balls! But then you find out they use a swastika as their symbol and then you hate them all over again.

Raelians

I am not a woman or a homosexual, so I can only say this with my limited knowledge but I have seen women admire a man's body, but never to the point that they forget who they are with, who was talking to them, if they have kids, their birthday, or basic English. Men do this all the freaking time. We as men would all say we are for this to be implemented but I know that we really don't need it. American men by and large are not ready for bare boobies all the time. We can barely handle ourselves with a short skirt or shorts. But here is an idea for your country since it's never won a war. Just invade America with naked women and we will give you everything we have. Never a shot fired. Sounds easy huh? But then you French may mistake our booby enthusiasm for hostility and retreat leaving all your naked women behind. So please feel free to try, we will shave them as needed.

I'm sure we will have to.

Gizeroon
facebook.com/gizeroon

Dear Kim Kardashian

It's about time I weighed in, just like your brother Khloe has to every morning for L.A. Weight Loss, on this whole celebrity thing you've perpetuated on the public and to offer my heartfelt and sincere wishes for a painless death to your soon to be husband, Kris Humphries. I can understand why he had sex with you, really I can. Who wouldn't want a slice of that big ol' booty at least once? I'd like to give it a shot but I am afraid it would be a lost cause with all the damage done by the black men you've dated. Speaking of which, it seems you couldn't keep a black guy around so you settled for the closest thing to one, a mediocre basketball player. I mean dig a little deeper like big bad Khloe did and nab a real player (I didn't even know Lamar Odom was gay!), not a third string bench player that has been on four teams in six years, but I digress.

Her only claim to fame is having fat on her ass.

Putting this wedding thing aside for a second and talking about your supposed celebrity status. You come from a wealthy family, your father was a lawyer for the extremely popular O.J. Simpson, and your mother remarried after the divorce from your father to the medal winning runner and lesbian, Bruce Jenner.

Ugly Lesbian or Crypt Keeper?

I scan that last little blurb and see absolutely nothing about why I should Idolize you or your retarded family. Unlike the Jersey Shore, I've actually watched Keeping up with the Kardashians and it is painful how stupid, annoying, selfish, and self centered you bitches are. Ryan Seacrest is either a genius for producing your show or dumb as jello pudding and got real lucky.

I mean do you guys do anything worthy of the attention you receive? I could be talking to Miss Hilton too, but it seems as though she has been laying low for awhile. Maybe somebody told her she wasn't talented, I don't know. If they did, I wish they would tell you. I mean Kendra posed naked and that's got plenty of worth right there, to get her shows and even though she likes to show off with no makeup a lot (a sin in my eyes for a celeb), at least she seems like she is grounded to the Earth and her head isn't full of dandelion fuzz. 

Just wow

You actually got this dummy to buy you a 20.5 carat diamond ring. Does that sink in at all? 20.5 carat diamond! You've done nothing even remotely talented. Not even close. You found a big dummy to buy you the world on his meager NBA salary and he may not even get to work this year. You guys seem like you have it all figured out and I really hope you do, but you don't. You'll be divorced in two years and Humphries will be on another team or out of the NBA all together. So in reality this is just another "look at me, I'm Kim K." moment. No real value in the wedding or the vows or your future with this guy, kinda like the rest of your life.

This is it. It really is. She is so worth it. At least something brilliant will  be in their home.

Gizeroon

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Dear Jersey Shore Fans

Just to be clear; this is about the television show that I've never seen, not the tourist destination.

The cast of the Jersey Shore...before MTV

I am coming at this particular show with no solid facts whatsoever except for three things, as follows:

 1. There is a chubby, not so attractive and very tanned young lady named "Snooki".

 2. There is a extremely in shape and handsome, but very stupid young man named "The Situation".

 3. Some girl pissed behind a bar in an advertisement for an episode once.

" The Situation"

That is my "Jersey Shore", (hereafter JS for the most part, so I don't have to keep putting up quotes), knowledge, as far as I can honestly remember. I've seen the different characters of the show in commercials and special appearances and I am aware that there is a group of six or seven that the series rotates around. I've seen a large fellow in commercials for some healthy smealthy weight lifting product and The Situation bombed fiercely roasting someone that I can't remember on Comedy Central. I will say this; I've picked up what I think could be facts about the JS in conversations and scanning over entertainment news. I just know 100% that the three things up there are true.

He really likes his belt buckle

What I would like to know is what it is that these people actually do that draws so many viewers? Are they rich? Are they humorous people or so stupid that their actions are humorous? Are there any good looking girls on the show? What the hell does Snooki mean? Are they ever sober?

So many questions that I really think about when I hear about the new season or a cast member is appearing on a talk show, but I can not shake the thought that permeates my underdeveloped noodle brain, that they are all drunken idiots. I honestly hate Snookie and Situation for no reason other than the fact that it feels right. Like I'm supposed to be put off by there mere mention. I don't know if I'm off base or home running here, but stick with me through one more point.

Snooki. Snooki looks like Artie Lange with a wig. Snooki looks like a bridge troll. Snooki is so freaking plain to me! But I KNOW for certain that she has a male following and that they all want to sex her up and see the latest pics of her and  that they dream about her while they practice their Harry Potter petrify spells on their meat wands. This validates my thinking that if someone is put in your face often enough and you are told that they are a celebrity, that it somehow changes the chemical balance in your head and you start to think that ugly or uglier people are pretty. Since I have not been inundated with Snooki waves like a lot of people my age, I don't think she is worth the thought of being a young sex symbol, but clearly I am in a minority on the subject. To prove this just a little bit more think about, Nicole Richie, Sarah Jessica Parker, then two Jonas brothers that aren't Joe. Hideousness!

Giving any woman a chance to be a sex symbol

I want to know if people love this show for the content or because it was on MTV and supposed to be loved? It's a vicious circle I'll never get any solid answers from. Oh well that's all I've got on the subject unless they do something really remarkable and I write about them again. I've got to go any way because I've got a Situation brewing and I need to go take a Snooki.

Gizeroon
Facebook.com/gizeroon

Dear Casey Anthony

Go to Florida. Do not pass go. Do not collect 2 million dollars for tell all book exploiting your daughters death.

America's Hanging Penis!

Well, you're in a pickle huh? You've been ordered back to the state where you were tried (and acquitted ) of your daughter's murdered. The place where, despite you being the "Most hated person in the world", you are arguably hated the most. The hate from concentrate. I mean you are hated more than terrorists, more than George  W. Bush, more than Billy Ray Cyrus, even more than some Spencer Pratt fellow, that I have no idea where he's from, but apparently is the biggest douche on this planet and Mississippi. People really don't like you Casey.

The Four Horseman of the Apocalypse.

I will say this, I don't hate you at all. How could I hate you and your almost pretty little wood elf looking self? I don't know you is why. I'm sure I would hate you but you never can tell, can you? The media did a very good job of painting you as a remorseless killer or at least bad person in general and I am inclined to believe them but  my opinion, despite how many times I give it here, doesn't matter. If you did do it then I am sure that in the spirit of "Like breeds like", you will fuck up again and for good most likely. If you didn't do it, you still tried to cover up your own daughter's accidental death and that is just as deplorable to me and looks like everyone else feels the same.

The point that most are missing is that the justice system actually worked here, no matter what, it worked. Innocent until proven guilty and prosecutors just couldn't make the jury believe you were guilty. End of that story, you're free. It's just a case of inept prosecution. Now you have to come home and serve probation for the heinous crime of lying! At least they caught you in that steel trap. Well anyway here's to you coming home and never being able to leave your place of residence at all. Have fun goofy.

It's a present. In case you can't stand it here and want a way out. You know what to do I think.

Gizeroon
facebook.com/gizeroon

Dear Christopher Nolan

This. This is just bothersome. I don't want to talk about it. It hurts too much.

Why is she wearing a big wheel on her hands?

I will say this, are you crazy man? Do you want the collective ire of this nerdy generation to chunk unused condoms, empty Mountain Dew bottles, and broken Star Wars Boba Fett figures at your big head? I tell myself that this is just a PR stunt, yeah, that's all. Drumming up interest and feedback for this long awaited movie that nobody in his right mind would screw up, especially in the area of Catwoman's costume. It would take a certified asshole to mess up one of the hottest and most hoped for real life interpretations of a fictional character, such as Catwoman.  A real asshole!

Would it be so hard to get Anne into this? ( or out of it)

I mean you've done this type of leaking information thing before and it has always worked for you. I mean you have made no bad films...yet. So I am gonna give you the benefit of the doubt here and rely on a proven track record to say that you know what you're doing and you won't disappoint. Maybe this letter is completely pointless (like my others have really been needed), and you're right on with your marketing strategy and I am the asshole here. I mean I am asshole material. But Nolan keep this in that English mind of yours, A big and bad Bane character will not excuse a lack of Hathaway tits, ever!

All I know is at this point in time you have royally pissed off nerds and perverts alike and if you don't have a backup plan, you could really drag that hard earned Batman reputation down on the last one and then be forced to make a fourth to avenge yourself with Robin, Batgirl, Mr. Freeze, and Poison Ivy. Do you really want that hell? Just fix this if broken and if not, please proceed sir. Good luck, asshole.

Do you really want this gang of hardcore thugs mad at you?

Gizeroon
facebook.com/gizeroon

Dear ASPCA

Stop it right now! You are ruining Television for me and I can only imagine millions of others. My DVR is the only thing making your horrible 3 hour long commercials tolerable at all. I don't think I have to say which commercial I am speaking of but since I am writing a blog and need words, I will.

I would not rescue an animal from your services if MY life depended on it. If you want to torture prisoners of war, stop water-boarding and make them watch your commercial with that "Arms of An Angel" singer two or three times and I bet they'll give up Hoffa's body, JFK's shooter, Rosie O' Donnell's bikini waxer and Sheen's dealer all at once! This commercial campaign is, without hesitation on my part, the worst commercial campaign I have ever endured. I know it sounds like middle class white America problems but if I am going to watch T.V., can it not be pleasant?

Even this nice lady hates it.                                 

The singer who you chose to inundate us with every ten minutes during our programs is not a terrible singer but that song is! Don't get me wrong I know who you are aiming these things at. The old lady who loves "her" music already and has fifty-four cats, all with real people names or the lonely emotional midnight basket case who will hear themselves in "that" song and identify with rescuing a living entity from almost hopelessness at the last moment. But I think you also have a message for us more stable and non-retarded viewers hidden in there too. I think that your real intention is to say that you will make these poor animals listen to this song for the rest of their lives unless we pull them from the ear-bleeding noise hole you have them jailed in! It's brilliantly evil!

"Please save me from theses animal lovers!"

I was going to mention the singer's name but then I thought that "why give this lady another plug", even in my unseen, insignificant blog. But then I thought "maybe it will bring a little traffic off those stupid commercials of yours so", Sarah McLachlan. There. If it works, I'll take everything back. Deal? Deal.

I will say this, people who want animals know how to get them, so you must be trying to make money or a name for yourself (so you can make money later), or you wouldn't be doing these things. Don't guilt people into getting an animal because then they'll regret the decision later and if you really love animals you wouldn't want that, would you? Besides there is only one person you really should get to do your commercials and animals would be busting out of the pen with the quickness to get to the real "Dogg Pound".

Behind bars or out on the streets, this guy knows their language!

                                                                                                   
Gizeroon
facebook.com/gizeroon

Dear NASA

Hey guys and girls, how are you? Good, good, I hope you are enjoying that well deserved rest. I know you'll be busy keeping us on Earth when you start to work on spacey things again so you need your rest. Just kidding! You guys are probably playing beer pong on one of Atlantis' wings right now before you put her up for good, huh?

Original Lunar space shuttle.

I will say this, thanks for the last five or six decades and all of the progress that was made and for winning that "big space race" thing and all. Certainly your best times are behind you and by that I mean the sixties through the late eighties, when you had missions scheduled and didn't have plans on making us look like the friend with no car to the rest of the world. You really showed those Russians fifty years ago right? It must be there turn to do the awesome outer space flying leader thing and we can go to drinking potato alcohol and having all of our women look like mattresses, dirty ones.

It WAS great but really it's just Earth's garage. Pull out of the driveway!

Are we really going to let other countries go further than next door in a bigger badder ship than we can cook up? I mean we always touted ourselves as the best country and the greatest, and blah, blah, blah. Image is a big part of our credibility and I am just wondering and was going to run it past you guys that maybe we aren't as "great" as we keep telling ourselves. Our image now is a bunch of guys who can't even get it up...into space at all! I know those Lockheed boys have designs and so do some less than stellar countries out there. Maybe we reshuffle some of that anti-smoking money and don't drink and drive bullshit that every small child knows and build a goddamn awesome ship that will wake up our neighboring countries when we start it up at three in the morning. I honestly believe we ARE working on some new shit but come on NASA, give us a bone at least for morale sake. America is counting on you to get us a big jug of Martian Viagra and put our pink butts on the red planet. We used to watch the skies, now we are watching you.

This design is out there by another country.

  Gizeroon
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Dear Satan

Hey guy, how are you? I'm doing okay. We never have really talked much but I just thought I would drop a line to you and see how you're holding up. How's that whole leading mankind astray thing working out? I'm sure it's going just smashingly; I mean after all the "bible" says that you're the best at that kind of stuff, huh?

TRY HARDER!

I mean you never really killed anybody in that book and god killed millions and you never really did anything of note really according to the Jewish and Christian books but you have that darned reputation. How DID you get that by the way? You don't seem like such an overachiever or even an achiever to me. I tell you at times I question whether you actually exist or if the church needed somebody so bad to scare people into temples and churches they created you out of necessity for control. I never heard of you leading a crusade or raping a child or bombing a building. Oh, but that's right you work invisibly kind of like a fart. You know you are there but just can't see you. You can pretty much just ignore or explain away a fart as the dog or the next guy in line at the grocer. You are kind of like a Christian fart really; not harmful or maybe not even there but everyone is scared of being in your "cloud". If I didn't know better  would call bullshit on the whole idea but that book says your real.
Gotta believe that book you know?

Is he blocking a fart or savoring "W's" ass?

I'm almost done but I will say this, I did want to bring up the question as to why you could think that you were going to get away with the whole "taking over heaven" thing when god would have known when he created your weak sauce ass that you were going to do it and would have made you a hell ( heehee ) of a lot less of a threat, I mean why even make you anyhow if he knew you were gonna do that? Then blames you when you act exactly like he wanted you to in the first place. Oh he is so crazy, isn't he. Almost absurdly so.

Gizeroon
facebook.com/gizeroon

Dear Blog Reading Person

I will say this right off, thank you for stopping by and welcome to my little bit of drivel on the net. I will be including in my letters the absurd, the rude, the raunchy, the funny, the bat shit crazy! I am going to assume that we are already friends and that I am as comfortable talking to you as talking to Olivia Munn when I see her picture on the Internet. We are familiar and want to sleep with each other all night is what I'm saying.

Hey Liv! How ya been baby?

I want to point out what I find that is utterly stupid and in need of dire repair whether it is an achievable goal or not. I aim to entertain, be funny and offend. Please let me know if any of these becomes the case so I know I am doing my highly unpaid job.

I blog for the un-matured (totally not a real word) male and the totally hot females. We are the generation that doesn't want to grow up and we don't fucking have to! We work, we play, we have relationships, all while being way more concerned with our Xbox matches after work. Our priorities have not changed from the last generation, they just got more technical. I don't know for sure about you but I assume that you would on a regular basis drink and watch Netflix or play video games than get all dressed up to drink and throw up on your best T-shirt at a bar. I know I would. The bar is cool sometimes but give me a controller or remote and a good friend to laugh with me and I'll take it every time.

We are all crazy, it's just what you do with that crazy that makes you bearable.  So, lets get stupid together and tell life's problems, people, and parole officers to fuck off for the 3-5 minutes when you're with me.

Just, well because.

Gizeroon
facebook.com/gizeroon