I recently almost sat down but got scared, so I stood up and interviewed the recent Virginia Earthquake. Here is that exclusive interview.
G: I want to thank you for not moving around long enough to stop and speak with us about the recent small scare you gave many of this countries top pussies.
E: Hey, it's nothing. I don't give interviews as a rule but I feel some things might need to be cleared up here. I really am breaking my own rule. ( he laughed silently)
G: What were you trying to do yesterday and why don't we see more out of your American East Coast cousins on a regular basis?
E: I was just trying to get comfortable under your tiny little pink feet. A couple of jerk plates shifted toward what you know as Kentucky and Tennessee, of course you didn't feel them because they are so small, and they were digging in my side. I tried to straighten up lightly but really, I got a do what I got to do. I moved too hard and shook a few states and you guys got in a huff up there. I mean really we were here first, but whatever.
G: So you just wanted to get comfortable is all? How often does this happen?
E: This is why I agreed to talk to you. There are over half a million "quakes" around the world every stinking day and you guys think that when somebody feels two of us in a week that it's a religious experience!
USGS We have been quaking around this little blue and green planet before you humans climbed out of the marshy bog you came from. We know! We've seen your development. Humans have this complex about them that this planet is made for them only and that is frankly arrogant and idiotic. If that was true then why not make a stable planet and then have all of your little plays and prophecies come about. Why would we, the "quakes" be designed? Doesn't sound intelligent to me, does it you?
G: I have never really thought about it like that. We as a species get frightened when something we can't control happens and we tend to react in full on "why" mode. We look for problems with environment or into prophecy. We as a species need reason to settle us.
E: And you will make it up to get it, I know. Look there is really no puppeteer reasons why these things happen. Your scientist are the closest with rational guesses, some which are remarkably spot on, and keen wits about them. The rest want some super powers behind everything. All of us so-called "plates" used to be together in harmony I might add, then one after another one moved causing another to adjust and frankly we got disgusted with all the movement and stirring until we just tried to get away from each other completely. But this planet is only so big and we all can't separate in just a few billion years. Give us time we'll organize it correctly. You guys will probably be extinct or have moved on but we will get it one day. We have all the time in the world.
G: Do you ever feel bad about loss of life or damage to goods and property?
E: Look, you guys are an anomaly. You really aren't meant to be her at all. But conditions persisted and "poof" here you came crawling with tails and slimy feet, eating and humping everything you see. I notice not much has changed in that area by the way. I understand that you still have the bone to grow a tail and some of your people, although a Small number still do. That's proof enough right there.I don't mean to be callous its just we were here so long and have seen much better suited species to rule this planet. If only some of the creatures from a billion years back had your brains and not you tendency to kill or hate each other because you look different or worship the "wrong" idol. Maybe you'll get back to that, maybe not. I don't know I'm just crust and dirt.
G: Well thank you for stopping the shaking long enough to talk to me and I'm sure the people will find this interesting and enlightening. And by the way, thank you for not harming my cousin.
E: Ah, you are all the same. Good day. (rumble grumble)
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