Dear Kim Kardashian

It's about time I weighed in, just like your brother Khloe has to every morning for L.A. Weight Loss, on this whole celebrity thing you've perpetuated on the public and to offer my heartfelt and sincere wishes for a painless death to your soon to be husband, Kris Humphries. I can understand why he had sex with you, really I can. Who wouldn't want a slice of that big ol' booty at least once? I'd like to give it a shot but I am afraid it would be a lost cause with all the damage done by the black men you've dated. Speaking of which, it seems you couldn't keep a black guy around so you settled for the closest thing to one, a mediocre basketball player. I mean dig a little deeper like big bad Khloe did and nab a real player (I didn't even know Lamar Odom was gay!), not a third string bench player that has been on four teams in six years, but I digress.

Her only claim to fame is having fat on her ass.

Putting this wedding thing aside for a second and talking about your supposed celebrity status. You come from a wealthy family, your father was a lawyer for the extremely popular O.J. Simpson, and your mother remarried after the divorce from your father to the medal winning runner and lesbian, Bruce Jenner.

Ugly Lesbian or Crypt Keeper?

I scan that last little blurb and see absolutely nothing about why I should Idolize you or your retarded family. Unlike the Jersey Shore, I've actually watched Keeping up with the Kardashians and it is painful how stupid, annoying, selfish, and self centered you bitches are. Ryan Seacrest is either a genius for producing your show or dumb as jello pudding and got real lucky.

I mean do you guys do anything worthy of the attention you receive? I could be talking to Miss Hilton too, but it seems as though she has been laying low for awhile. Maybe somebody told her she wasn't talented, I don't know. If they did, I wish they would tell you. I mean Kendra posed naked and that's got plenty of worth right there, to get her shows and even though she likes to show off with no makeup a lot (a sin in my eyes for a celeb), at least she seems like she is grounded to the Earth and her head isn't full of dandelion fuzz. 

Just wow

You actually got this dummy to buy you a 20.5 carat diamond ring. Does that sink in at all? 20.5 carat diamond! You've done nothing even remotely talented. Not even close. You found a big dummy to buy you the world on his meager NBA salary and he may not even get to work this year. You guys seem like you have it all figured out and I really hope you do, but you don't. You'll be divorced in two years and Humphries will be on another team or out of the NBA all together. So in reality this is just another "look at me, I'm Kim K." moment. No real value in the wedding or the vows or your future with this guy, kinda like the rest of your life.

This is it. It really is. She is so worth it. At least something brilliant will  be in their home.

Gizeroon

facebook.com/gizeroon

Interview With Tom Cruise

G: Hi Tom, How are you?

TC: I'm good. I'm really good. Wonderful in fact.

G: Great to hear. So let's get started. Coming off of two lackluster performances at the box office, next you are stepping up with a solid franchise sequel to Mission Impossible. Is that a strategic plan to recoup some lost faith in your brand or just the way your projects fell in order?

TC: I blame the failure of Knight and Day on Cameron Diaz entirely. I honestly believe that if she cleared her face of the atrocious acne, we would have been much more well received by audiences here in the states.That being said, I think she does really well in movies like Shrek and Shrek 2, and well anything that doesn't show her face is a hit. I love her work. Love it.

G: Um... Do you want to answer the question or should I move on?

TC: Hey, this is your show baby, ha ha. I am here for the ride. Vroooooom Vroom! Yeah!

G: So was your choice to bring back Mission Impossible a planned mo...

TC: You know what clears up acne? Dianetics. I gave Cameron a copy and she seemed to like it but I found it in the trash a few hours later. I don't understand some people, I mean she needs this badly. I help because I have a responsibility to the people of this planet. I also have a wife.

G: Yes, Katie Holmes. I was going to get to your family life but let us go there now. How do you juggle...

TC: Travolta taught me how to juggle almost twenty years ago. Can you believe I have been acting that long? No you can't, I see you are in shock at that statement.

G: No It's not that It's...What are you doing?

TC: I am gonna show you my abs. Like that sex...I mean sad boy from MTV. He's the situation right? Wait for this.

G: ...

TC: The Scientologiation. These are intergalactic abs baby! You could bounce a taco off these bad boys; a soft taco even. I love being married.

G: Let's switch gears again and quickly if you don't mind?

TC: Fire me a torpedo. I'll catch it with my butt cheeks until it fizzles out. Rock hard baby!

G: Is Katie becoming a full time Scientology practitioner? And if so, how is it helping to keep your marriage and parenting in check?

TC: We don't write checks anymore, it's all digital these days. I never even see any actual money. Everything is paid for and through the processes of Scientology Katie had a beautiful daughter for us to share.

G: That didn't exactly answer my question but if I may pick a point here. Don't you mean through the magic of child birth brought forth through your love, your daughter was born?

TC: Yeah, I love them dearly. My daughter was placed in Katie's womb by the spirit of L. Ron himself. I wasn't necessary in making her.

G: Okay Mr. Cruise, I think we will end it right there. Thanks for coming in I guess.

TC: Yeah, YEAH man. I'm glad to say things to people. It's my job. I've got some riding to do on my Harley, so take care.

G: Yeah...Don't lose your head out there.