Interview With Tom Cruise

G: Hi Tom, How are you?

TC: I'm good. I'm really good. Wonderful in fact.

G: Great to hear. So let's get started. Coming off of two lackluster performances at the box office, next you are stepping up with a solid franchise sequel to Mission Impossible. Is that a strategic plan to recoup some lost faith in your brand or just the way your projects fell in order?

TC: I blame the failure of Knight and Day on Cameron Diaz entirely. I honestly believe that if she cleared her face of the atrocious acne, we would have been much more well received by audiences here in the states.That being said, I think she does really well in movies like Shrek and Shrek 2, and well anything that doesn't show her face is a hit. I love her work. Love it.

G: Um... Do you want to answer the question or should I move on?

TC: Hey, this is your show baby, ha ha. I am here for the ride. Vroooooom Vroom! Yeah!

G: So was your choice to bring back Mission Impossible a planned mo...

TC: You know what clears up acne? Dianetics. I gave Cameron a copy and she seemed to like it but I found it in the trash a few hours later. I don't understand some people, I mean she needs this badly. I help because I have a responsibility to the people of this planet. I also have a wife.

G: Yes, Katie Holmes. I was going to get to your family life but let us go there now. How do you juggle...

TC: Travolta taught me how to juggle almost twenty years ago. Can you believe I have been acting that long? No you can't, I see you are in shock at that statement.

G: No It's not that It's...What are you doing?

TC: I am gonna show you my abs. Like that sex...I mean sad boy from MTV. He's the situation right? Wait for this.

G: ...

TC: The Scientologiation. These are intergalactic abs baby! You could bounce a taco off these bad boys; a soft taco even. I love being married.

G: Let's switch gears again and quickly if you don't mind?

TC: Fire me a torpedo. I'll catch it with my butt cheeks until it fizzles out. Rock hard baby!

G: Is Katie becoming a full time Scientology practitioner? And if so, how is it helping to keep your marriage and parenting in check?

TC: We don't write checks anymore, it's all digital these days. I never even see any actual money. Everything is paid for and through the processes of Scientology Katie had a beautiful daughter for us to share.

G: That didn't exactly answer my question but if I may pick a point here. Don't you mean through the magic of child birth brought forth through your love, your daughter was born?

TC: Yeah, I love them dearly. My daughter was placed in Katie's womb by the spirit of L. Ron himself. I wasn't necessary in making her.

G: Okay Mr. Cruise, I think we will end it right there. Thanks for coming in I guess.

TC: Yeah, YEAH man. I'm glad to say things to people. It's my job. I've got some riding to do on my Harley, so take care.

G: Yeah...Don't lose your head out there.